From: Andrew Vogel To: David Wertheimer Subj: All Met-Con Team Date: 1/10/01 1:39 PM You can keep your All-Madden Team, CBS's cheap Phil Simms knockoff All-Iron team, and Jerry Jones' All-Scumbag team, (also known as the Cowboys). The recent arrest of former Met World Series hero Ray Knight has sparked me to select the All-Met-Con team. (Certain liberties taken in this feeble attempt to amuse myself) Ladies and gentlemen, here's your lineup: Leading off, leftfielder Vince Coleman. Throwing a firecracker at a small child will ensure that he goes down as the biggest free agent bust in Mets history (which is quite a feat when you consider the Bobby Bonilla blunder). Three cheers to that tarp in St. Louis that ran the bastard over! Batting second, centerfielder Lenny Dykstra. Besides his six digit illicit gambling debts, he solidified his spot on this roster by wrapping his car and teammate Darren Daulton around a tree, DWI. Next up, number 17 on your scorecard, first baseman Keith Hernandez. While official charges were never filed, being compelled to testify about your blow habit as a witness in one of the largest drug trials of the 80's is definitely embarassing and warrants selection to this prestigious team. Batting cleanup, rightfielder, Darryl Strawberry. If you have any doubt about this one, you've been hitting the pipe harder than the Strawman for the past fifteen years. Next is third baseman Ray Knight, whose recent arrest on illegal hunting charges, although a relatively minor offense, catapults him to Con-Met status. Of course, he will be an asset to this team, contributing Gold Glove fielding, a solid bat, and good gun handling skills. Following Knight in the order, will be the shortstop, the well-traveled Kevin "World" Mitchell, although, for the record, the Mitchell at short experiment was the lowlight of Davey Johnson's managerial career (with the possible exception of the Gregg Jefferies fiasco) Mitchell brings a wide list of credentials for his selection to the team, including assault of a minor league team owner, and holding his girlfriend at knifepoint and cutting the head off of her cat. Next up, second baseman Tim Teufel, who was arrested following the late night incident in Houston in which four or five of the Mets celebrated the birth of Teufel's kid by beating up a bunch of rednecks in a bar brawl. Ever hear of handing out cigars, asshole? Batting eighth, is catcher Rae Carruth. I had to dig for this one due to the fact that while Mets backstops have had some interesting ailments, such as Mackey Sasser's mental problems, Gary Carter and crew have steered clear of John Q. Law. But it would make sense--Carruth is definitely a criminal, has good soft hands, and can gun down baserunners, or at least pay somebody to do it. And he couldn't be any worse defensively than Piazza. Starting Rotation: Doc Gooden. Enough said. Ron Darling, Bobby Ojeda, Rick Aguilera: All involved in Teufel's bar fight. It was a low point for Darling and Aguilera. If only Bobby O were so lucky,as he ended up chopping off his finger while gardening ($5M a year, and he's too cheap to pay a kid $3 to mow his lawn) and nearly getting killed in the infamous Cleveland Indians boat accident. Closer: Armando Benitez, embroiled in a legal battle with his former fiancee, who claims that he closed a door on her. This claim is hard to believe, as anybody who watched the World Series knows that Benitez can't close shit. This day is longer than I ever thought it would be, Andy